Am not alright...

You needn't have to read this. I just need a place to pour out my feelings at the moment. I wish I have a sponge friend who would absorb/listen to all my complains and worries. I don't wish to tell it to my friends nor my family...it is no use. I have to stand on my own...God gave me a brain and I have to use it well but there are always lessons to be learnt in a hard way.

There's so much to think whenever I shower and it is always the emotional point thus I usually cry whenever I shower coz water does help to wash away the tears.

I'm jobless that is my first problem on my mind. It isn't easy to look for a job which I want - cook in a kitchen of a restaurant and not a hotel. Usually finding this kind of job isn't easy to look for and must be by word of mouth only can you find one. In Singapore it is saturated and really I have to say this, it is really sad that Singapore doesn't have any good culinary schools which holds a good name. SHATEC used to be but now, it is nothing...the certificate is pointless and it has no recognition. There are too many SHATEC certificate holders out there...and truly that school's standards have dropped tremendously.

I would like to further my studies in Culinary Arts or Gastronomy but really, these good ones are all located overseas and I'm not going to dig the cash out from mom coz she has spent a lot on us. I don't like the idea of getting a loan because I never like to own anyone money...especially someone whom I do not know of. I just want to work and work and work at a place which I really like a lot and save sooooo much that I'm financially stable. Stable enough to either further my studies or to migrate to the Netherlands and find a job there at the same time.

The pressure I feel right on me...it does feel crazy, really crazy...this feeling; similar feeling when I needed Eric by my side and wondering where he was and waiting and waiting for his reply. Now, I have a boyfriend, Frank...and I miss him so much but I don't know if he loves me anymore now. He's vacationing in Prague, while he was in Prague...I noticed he was able to come online in DevArt but if a guy who misses and love his girl so much, would at least take the initiative to send her a note/E-mail to let her know how he's doing or to find out how she is. Last night, he made a mistake by coming on MSN and going off straight away, I knew he was able to go on MSN when he was in Prague. In my mind, I was thinking that maybe he blocked me or was on stealth mode.

I don't know...every girl who feels down by something and if her guy just leaves a short note asking how she is, would really brighten up her day at least for a while to show that he still cares. Sadly, I don't think Frank really loves me...I don't think he misses me or care, really. I have been crying a lot about this lately...and I'm really afraid. Well, then again, I could be wrong because I shouldn't always judge anyone or to jump to conclusion. I should be willing to understand and not let my mind think of the bad ways. I do want this relationship to work out and not be like the others before that. This relationship is so much different from the others because I got to meet him and spent time with him and so much more. I feel him...I love him so much and I adore him. I would do sooo much and sacrifice just to be with him and no matter the obstacles I have to face, I would try to be with him right at the end.

Yes, I'm a girl who lives on dreams and living by them do make me happy and live on each and every single day. Sometimes, when these obstacles which somehow would be considered a reality would just struck me in the head and thus make my dreams fade away and seem as though they will never ever come true or be feasible.

Everyone who knows me; would know what are my dreams...to be a cook...from there, I learn and develop to be a chef. I earn enough to learn Dutch and be able to work and live in the Netherlands, eventually to be able to migrate there and have a great Dutch guy who loves me, and never stop loving me. Have a family with him...and having enough earnings, I would set a cafe/a little restaurant in the Netherlands. Thatz my dream. Is it possible?

Really, to think of all those lucky rich buggers who really in my opinion do not deserve the money...such as Paris Hilton. She spends her money on clothes and everything thatz materialistic to her life. If I had that kind of money...I know, I'll be selfish but then, it is possible of how I use it...this is how I would use that kind of money: I would first invest in properties and you know those properties...you buy and you sell and you also rent some out. From there, I will definitely get income and it is never a loss thus from those earnings, I would open my own fund and give it to the poor/needy. I needn't have to use those investment money for studies because I'm already rich so I would probably be studying at the same time. Well..and if I were that rich I would be visiting my guy (in the Netherlands) very often and have a home there too. I love him so much that I would see him sooo often. Have my own restaurant too so I'll be like multi-tasking. I wouldn't live on my own vehicles or having to hire a chaffeur because I would still be travelling via public transport coz I would like to save cost and not pay road tax - in a way, I'm saving money in a good way. Bills are a headache, I know.

I do feel better after typing this out but this is just temporary. I know the effects will return once I wake up tomorrow. It is just like my poem about tears in the night.

''Sleep will follow after
Till one wakes up to feel as though it was all a dream
As the day goes further, reality slips into mind
Then once again, would one cry silently at night''

Here, if you don't know what am talking about you may want to click on this and read it. http://scribbly12.blogspot.com/2007/08/tears-in-night.html

Well, I'm going to bed...but before I do so, I must floss and brush me teeth. Nighty night.